People are often surprised to learn that I, Brian Phillips, enjoy hanging out with celebrities in glamorous situations and surroundings. “But Brian,” they exclaim, wide-eyed over a frappuccino straw, “you are a serious writer! How can you waste your time on all this rubbish?”
My answer is always the same. “Listen,” I say with a slight smile, “if Thomas Mann could write Doctor Faust in the Pacific Palisades without even sunbathing, there’s no reason I can’t… something something something.I sort of mumble the last part into my drink. This is a trick I learned from Kirsten Dunst.
Case in point: last night I went to a show of a new secret materials series at The London, an exclusive Hollywood hotel. Glen Morgan was there. Glen Morgan is a little guy that I like to call “producer Secret materials, a television series that aired on Fox from 1993 to 2002, starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. In fact, it is not at all small, not huge, but it has some kind of mass. If I had to use one word to describe the physical size of Glen Morgan, I would call it “average”. There are many people of different heights in the world, and this guy is one of the normal ones.
Then there were the cocktails.
Whatever you say about Hollywood, but it was an exciting experience. My brain as a serious writer has been completely occupied with things like the meaning of America and what’s going on with Mulder and Scully these days. Now I know both in the most important and profound sense. I would like to share this knowledge with you. However, I can’t. Because of the spoilers. Ever since George R.R. Martin informed me that Tyrion is killing Daenerys at the end of the last book, I’ve been afraid of accidentally revealing a major spoiler on the Internet. In addition, the PR man who greeted me in the cinema explained that she would “damn it.” [me]if i’m breathing[d] a word about it all, you [extremely handsome man]”.
Like I said, I love hanging out with celebrities.
What am I Maybe tell you that Not happen in the new Secret materials. So many things don’t happen! And each new underdevelopment is more shocking than the previous one. Without further ado, here’s a breakdown of the most exciting secret materials development of the plot, which is not and never will be.
1. Mulder doesn’t ask for more caipirinhas and then says, “Heh. I like this word. Caipirinha“.
2. The cigarette smoker never sits up in bed with annoyance and snaps: “God, Velasquez, when is this No Is it time to take out the processing? an alien lying next to him.
3. Scully doesn’t order certain trays online at all.
4. At the end of a dark alley, where the light of a lone street lamp gleams on the rain-slick pavement, Scully doesn’t find the pop-up taqueria where this guy Jonathan is making churros.
5. I could tell you that this series explores the politics of mulch production, but I’d be lying because that’s another thing that doesn’t happen.
6. Mulder doesn’t look out the window at the US Capitol building and whispers, “Monsters, yes. I don’t think I will.”
7. You know who else doesn’t? Any.
8th. Mulder simply never booked a trip to Africa on the grounds that “hippos just feel like X-File”.
9. By no means is it revealed that FBI assistant director Walter Skinner is joining Kickstarter to seek funding for his “elegantly bound novelization” of Infocom. Leather goddesses of Phobos.
10 The word “copyleft” is not common.
eleven. Jonathan, who doesn’t make churros, doesn’t tell Scully that “it’s because of the cinnamon” and then chokes “I said too much” and then gets shot in the head by a Venus sniper.
12. Then Mulder and Scully don’t stumble upon a mysterious low white building in the middle of a cinnamon field, where blank-faced workers in white hazmat suits look like they’re processing cinnamon, but at the same time they seem to be doing something else. .
13. Deep Throat doesn’t rise from the dead and yell “Surprise friends! It’s me, deepthroat!”
14 In the entire timeline of the new series, there is not a day when the conspirators openly admit that they would make a shitty water polo team.
15 You may have read on internet forums that there are few trays in Scully’s apartment. I do not know what to tell you; she doesn’t buy new ones.
16 The camera doesn’t slowly zoom in on cancer-eating mutant Leonard Betts as he makes a long, sumptuous friend’s ice cream cone slime, and then keeps zooming in, closer and closer, all the way to his insane, dead eye as he mutters, “This tastes disgusting.” “.
17 “That’s right: I said ice cream tasted nasty compared to cancer,” Betts doesn’t add. “Put your mouth on Whatice cream on Twitter.
18 Mulder doesn’t throw a soccer ball over the swing in extremely slow motion while a husky, serious male voice-over breaks his mechanics.
19 I don’t want to go into details about Scully’s Java classes, but suffice it to say that she doesn’t attend them.
20 Scully’s daughter, Emily, died in season 5. In the new series, Emily doesn’t go to prom, she doesn’t comically juggle two dates, and her two dates are the unsettled twin gentlemen portrayed by Kelsey Grammer.
21 “To hell with the UFO,” the Smoking Man on the boat doesn’t say. Then hey Really does not run his fingers through his hair and does not shout: “I have lion curls!”
22 Scully does not write to her friend Allison that the Cigarette Smoking Man is “something of a jerk”.
23 Okay, let’s talk about vaping. I shouldn’t, but I know you have questions. I’m not saying that Smezznor, the alien overlord of the Milky Way created when Samantha Mulder’s genes were spliced with Alex Krycek, is off the hook. I V saying that Smezznor, the compulsively hovering king of the galaxy, is a stupid idea and that he doesn’t exist.
24 The trail of the cinnamon plot doesn’t lead Mulder and Scully to a bombed-out mosque in Tangier, where Mulder doesn’t pause in his investigation to loudly chastise all the verses to the Big Sean song.Dance ($$)“.
25 Therefore, many fans of the show are wondering what happened to the beloved secret materials Peggy Little’s mainstay, Skinner’s long-suffering secretary. I’m kidding. In fact, no one is interested, because there is no such character.
26 “Did you see this, Mulder?” Scully doesn’t whisper when she presses the play button on the latest YouTube video about the funny octopus. “This octopus frightening to me.”
27 If Scully dating a doll – I say If here and If that the Muppet is a doctor. Teeth, their third date isn’t at the international aikido championship.
28 Alfred Hitchcock is not directing the episodes (Alfred Hitchcock is dead).
29 No one, including Luther Lee Boggs, the serial killer who terrorized Scully in the classic episode “Over the Sea,” gave Scully trays.
thirty The Mulder Book Club doesn’t read. time traveler’s wife – and if so, then Mulder does not finish the novel.
31 Did you know Grantland has interns? We do and they do a fantastic job. Hi guys! It’s just not fantastic enough for either of them to appear in Secret materials.
32 Similarly, your own mom doesn’t portray former FBI Special Agent Dana Scully, the show’s protagonist. Unless your mom is Gillian Anderson… in which case, don’t give anything away, but you power I want to attend the premiere.
33 “Uber, but for alien invasions,” Mulder doesn’t write, biting his fist in embarrassment.
34 Literally zero storylines involve finding a new tour bus for Stephen Malkmus and Jix.
35 The following exchange does not occur at all:
MULDER: We’re in Las Vegas, Scully.
SCULLY: Ha ha ha, like Vancouver?
MULDER: No, Scully, this is Las Vegas, Nevada, where we came to uncover the X-Files.
SCULLY: I’m just saying there must be tall pine trees in Las Vegas?
SCULLY: I just don’t usually think of “silent forest grandeur” when I think of Vegas.
MULDER: Why are you always messing things up, Scully?
36 Mulder never introduced himself as “Fox Mulder, an avid interpreter of creatures and their ways.”
37 Seventeen minutes of the third episode of the new series is not devoted to static shots of the tray passage at Target.
38 A well-manicured man doesn’t introduce his two new conspiracy buddies, The Man Who Orders Expensive Basketball Shoes on eBay, and Josh, who is still in Normcore.
39 No one swims 1,100 miles in freezing water just to hit a whale. This show is not about that.
40 Also, the following exchange does not occur:
SCULLY: Well, Mulder, you don’t have to be a semanticist to understand that the main contradiction in progressive online discourse is that its commitment to the holiness of the individual person includes an ever-increasing emphasis on all the ways in which that holiness can be achieved. violated … the problem is that we live in a moment when a heightened sense of the value of the individual threatens to give rise to a correspondingly heightened sense of its essential weakness.
MULDER: I don’t want to disagree with you, Scully, but the problem is magical tarantulas.
41 Mulder doesn’t end a lengthy reading of his memoirs by saying, “And so, my friends, I entered Remodelista for the first time.”
42 Mulder and Scully don’t stop having sex to high five after one of them jokes “oh, now the truth is out there.”
43 Mulder and Scully don’t spend three hours chatting about whether “Balerion Black Terror” is a great dragon name, a super-clichéd dragon name, or weirdly both.
44 The reanimated corpse of Deep Throat does not say, “Friends, I long for one thing and one thing only, and that is AM Crunchwraps.”
45 In Antarctica, where a secret military facility has finally been discovered that harvests cinnamon spliced with an alien genome – cinnamon that cannot be handled for more than a few seconds without causing the death of non-mutated or “pre-transcendent” people – Mulder and Scully do not realize with growing desperation that the world is doomed because they can’t take the cinnamon to a lab where it can be destroyed because Scully was about to get new trays, but oops, looks like someone forgot.
46 Mulder does not audition for the role of Mrs. Fairfax in a community theater production. Jane Eyre.
47 “It was a throbbing night on Phobos and the fucking trees were foaming in the starlight,” is not how Walter Skinner’s Kickstarter novel begins at all.
48 Samantha Mulder doesn’t come back from a longer than expected trip to the store and say, “Wait, you thought I What?
49 “I’m changing the name to Area 52,” the First Elder declines to announce, adding, “It’s time to take this alien activity up a notch.”
50 The plot doesn’t make sense.